Old enough to hand out candy to kids? BE A FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD HERO AND GIVE OUT FULL BARS INSTEAD OF FUN SIZE ( @sadmichaeljordan)
Also shoutout to thick girls walking around in head-to-toe Soulcycle apparel looking like they just came from or are going to a class, but aren’t actually doing shit.
Also, how many pieces of Tupperware in your house have a light orange film inside of it from some type of sauce? I have 3.
Pro Tips, Men: 1. Never ever tell a woman on the street to “smile”, THEY ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE THAT TRUST ME DADDiiiiiiiii 2. A woman making eye contact with you doesn’t mean she likes you or wants to converse with you, you thirsty shitbag. 3. If you’re gonna send a dick pic (which you probably shouldn’t) at least put in some effort and go on eBay to buy a tiny little beret or sombrero made for a doll to put on your member so that your photo has some goddamn creativity because trust me doggo, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR SHITTY REGULAR DICK (ESPECIALLY WITHOUT A TINY HAT ON 🎩)
Just what I need, another guy giving fat ugly Jews a bad name. Fucking dirtbag.
THIS IS DEFINITIVELY THE MOST 2017 THING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN 2017.
I’M NOT NORMALLY SUPER INTO CUTE SHIT BUT 2017 IS HEAVIER THAN KEVIN FEDERLINE (google it, he got super fat eating crab dip at strip clubs) AND SOME FUCKING CUTE SHIT IS IN ORDER
John Mayer has good ideas, and probably a nice smelling dick.
Asked him once what he thought I did for a living, he responded “you’re some kind of jerkoff who makes other jerkoffs laugh in the computer” 🎯🎯🎯
Going big sounds exhausting. Take your socks off in bed, feels incredible.
Have you ever put a trampoline in the middle of a major NYC avenue during rush hour and stopped traffic to pop a bottle of rosé and jump around with @mr.gregyuna, some of your friends, and your own mother? I have. 📸: @artmurri
Make a terrible decision tonight that you’ll think about and question for the next 6-8 months!
I’ve been putting rosé in my cereal because the world is fucking mental. ( @musa)
Even old timers should admit that porno is definitely better now. Every woman looked like they were made of burrata back then.
Had a fucking cute spa day with @madonna to launch her new MDNA skin care line, which will make your skin glow like you’re pregnant and born in heaven. We also drank rosé and discussed how she is the greatest American since George Washington. @mdnaskin@webroughtwine