thefatjewish

thefatjewish @thefatjewish

Contact 4 credit: Emailio.Addresstevez@gmail You can't get an STD if you never get tested.
http://swishbev.com/

Name a more iconic duo. I'LL FUCKING WAIT. (tw: @moveslikezagger)
Last night I put a lot of cocaine in my butthole and expected to wake up in the ICU, but somehow woke up in my bed with my phone on the charger
I've already drank 4 glasses of rosé and it's 11:30 AM. Someone is getting an oven mitt handjob from me today. DM me bruh.
The sun is a boss. SCREENED IN PORCHES 4 LIFE BITCH ( @riggsbarstool)
Also, I just beat a urinary tract infection that I got in Cancun last month. TODAY IS NOT HORRENDOUS! ( @lexidahlstrom)
I'm watching my friend who used to do a ton of coke and have sex with hookers with rugged c-section scars talk about how he's really into burrata now and might take a class to learn how to make it. BEING AN ADULT IS THE FUCKING WORST.
Today is National Rosé Day, and in honor of this important holiday, I cruised around New York City in a salmon pink PT cruiser with a gospel choir singing "Let's Dance" by Lady Gaga.Because I fucking felt like it. Drink pink, bitch. @webroughtwine #nationalroséday
I ate a weed infused scone in Brooklyn and at first I was laughing so hard at this but now I'm too stoned and I honestly might need to go to the fucking hospital
I haven’t seen my penis in 2 years. Miss you little buddy!
SOMEONE BRING COKE LET'S DO THIS THING ALSO WE NEED A DJ I'M SO EXCITED TO PARTY WITH CHRIS FARLEY ( @slutwhisperer)
How is this the inside of an instrument and not an apartment in Sweden owned by a futuristic horny billionaire with white blonde hair named Bjorn?
@Malibu_rum brought me to South Africa to run on a beach in slow motion, because hot girls and dudes with sick bodies is sooooo out. YEAH @ZACEFRON I'M TALKING TO YOU AND YOUR WEIRD 12-PACK OF ABS. #epicslowmo #becausesummer Snapcode: malbu.us/snap
I would run my tongue over Steve Buscemi's teeth for a frittata right now.
This video of Katy Perry is whiter than Mike Pence snowboarding into a TED talk that's happening inside a Coldplay concert that's happening inside a farmers market while drinking a saffron flavored craft beer and being offended about something while wearing cargo shorts that were autographed by Jon Stewart at a live Daily Show taping and the pockets are filled with locally sourced conflict-free burrata ( @versace_tamagotchi)
Either that or be a tiny bead of sweat running down Sofia Vergara's butt crack and into her majestic fart box during a Bikram yoga class.
Mural of me in Australia by talented hunk @lushsux. Even at that size my dick is smaller than Scottie Pippen's. He supposedly has the biggest flesh burrito of all time. @webroughtwine
@delta please explain this and also the guy sitting next to me right now is watching Austin Powers: Goldmember and LAUGHING OUT LOUD and that should definitely not be allowed on a plane because first of all he's in public and secondly that movie is about as funny as a fire at an orphanage
Another weird thing adults do: HAVE FUCKING CHILDREN ON PURPOSE ( @marissamiller__ )
ROSÉ SEASON IS UPON US. Go to www.swishbev.com and buy that pink in either a bottle or a can (yes, it comes with the long straw) and embrace your inner basic bitch. Everything is 20% off SO DO IT NOW, DON’T BLOW THIS PLZ.
No, that fedora will not make you look like Don Draper. It will make you look like a colossal douche canoe.