thefatjewish

thefatjewish @thefatjewish

Emailio.Addresstevez@gmail You can't get an STD if you never get tested.
http://swishbev.com/

The hardware store just got REAL ( @dashiell)
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is worse than a woman who just got back from a beach vacation/ semester abroad/ trip to Italy
This is actually scarier than the prospect of a nuclear missile landing directly on my fucking face. ( @born_miserable)
Like a year ago it was all about Pokémon Go and Beyoncé pregnancy memes, now it's nuclear fucking warfare. Buzzkill!
Can we talk about this dude aging in reverse? He's more fuckable now than in '91. ACTUAL BENJAMIN BUTTON STATUS
I flipped a baby off on the train this morning. Felt so fucking good.
I'm too stoned to keep all the characters straight, like TARMARIUS LONGNATHINGHAM, BROTHER OF BARMARIUS LONGNATHINGHAM FROM THE KINGDOM OF DRAGONSTONE FUCK OUTTA HERE NERDS I'M OVER HERE WATCHING PORNO
Meerkats fuck less dudes named Tyler who call girls shit like "slam pigs", but other than that they are EXACTLY the same
Is your body a temple? Mine is a bouncy castle.
One thousand dollars is literally an order of burrata and a falcon milk latte at a restaurant in Brooklyn. (Is falcon milk a thing? It could be a thing)
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS THE CEREAL THAT LOOKED LIKE TINY PIECES OF FRENCH TOAST THAT GAVE YOU DIABETES, FUCK YOU MOM
If you're not using your child for internet content, you are seriously fucking blowing it. DRESS THE KID UP LIKE A TINY VERSION OF WALTER WHITE AND GIVE IT BLUE ROCK CANDY THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE METH YOU'LL GET SO MANY LIKES
By my age, my grandfather had lost an arm in a war, built a fucking house with one arm (while drunk on room temperature gin), and had 5 children who called him sir. I keep chicken fingers in the glove compartment of my car, just in case. (Tw: @mutablejoe)
This kid will fuck your girl and have a baby with her. HE'S COOL ENOUGH TO BE A KID WITH A KID
Under 21 and don't know shit? THIS IS ABOUT HOME ALONE, THE 1990 CLASSIC FILM YOU LITTLE FUCKERS ( @sadmichaeljordan)
Sean Spicer is definitely a pervert, I would love to see that dude's browser history. Japanese women stuffing squids in their vaginas FOR SURE.
PRO TIP: if you sleep with someone and wake up not knowing their name, go to Starbucks together the next morning and let them do the ordering
Jesus was Jewish, but he knew how to use tools and probably had a big dick, so that shit doesn't make any sense. ( @robertmichaelevans)
GO TO @SHOPPRIVATEPARTY AND GET YOUR HANDS ON SOME ROSÉ CLOTHES THAT WE MADE, BUY IT FOR A GIRL YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH OR YOUR LUSH MOM OR YOURSELF OR WHATEVERRRRR. shopprivateparty.com/swish
I take 3 minutes to pack a fucking suitcase, then 3 months to unpack when I get back home. ( @babewalker)