I’ve been MIA on social media 📱 the past few days because I wanted to take the time to really reflect on the experience I feel is so important to share ⤵️⤵️
While I’m still waiting on an official diagnosis, it’s looking like I’ve been suffering from IBS 🚽😒 (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). One of the ways to determine if someone has this is a breath test — you drink a liquid with different sugars in it and then breathe into a tube every 20 minutes for a few hours — the bacteria in your gut digests the sugars and subsequently release gases. These gases can be measured in my breath and will hopefully provide some insight into my GI issues 😌 To prepare for this test I had to follow a❗️V E R Y❗️strict diet the day before and couldn’t eat or drink after 7pm until it was done (about 1pm the next afternoon). It was about 18 hours of no food or drink 🚫
Fifteen years ago I would go 24 hours without eating so much as an apple. I would cut it into sixths in the morning: two slices for breakfast, two slices for lunch and two for dinner. I spent YEARS telling myself what I was “allowed”. So the list of foods I could eat (eggs, white rice, plain baked chicken/turkey, clear broth, water) the day before my tests was even stricter than that of an obsessive compulsive anorexic fourteen year old 😔
As a healthy and thriving 29 year old 💁🏼♀️ I’ve reached a point where I can eat intuitively and healthfully without that ED monster in my shoulder (most of the time). BUT for a whole day I had to dramatically restrict my intake and it was all too familiar.
I was angry.
I was sad.
I was anxious.
I was cold.
I was irritable.
I was tired.
EVERY LITTLE THING made me want to cry and scream.
And I thought to myself, this used to be my LIFE. I LIVED the anger, the sadness, the irritability, the hunger. The feeling too weak to even roll over in bed. Blacking out when I’d stand up. Taking deep breaths almost took too much energy. When my stomach grumbled I used to SMILE. “It’s working”, I’d say to myself. If I gave into that hollow empty tummy I was a FAILURE. I’ll never understand what made me think I needed to punish my body. ✨continued in comments✨