As some of you know, our little guy has been medically diagnosed with GERD or silent reflux. I really thought this wasn't a big deal and that just meant he spit up on occasion. Since the day he was born he has had choking and cough issues that scared a new mom half to death (waking up to my newborn choking 😞). We have been trying countless remedies and doing everything we can to heal the little guy... but still.. even this morning he woke up screaming as you could see him chewing on the excess milk in the back of his throat. My days consists of rocking him in his rocking chair and my nights consists of sleeping vertically on the couch with him on my chest. We can't set him down without him being in pain, he can't sit in the car seat long because the way his legs lift up towards his stomach, which has left mom feeling hopeless and less than capable. I have felt shame from some friends for the fact that I can't do more sooner and that they did it so I should too. I have felt like a terrible mom that can't figure out her own son. People have given me advice like "rest when he rests," or "you just have to set him down." Every time I hear that I lose my mind because I would rest when he rests or I would just set him down... but I can't do either of those. Anyways, I write all this to say, this has been the most challenging life circumstance I have ever been through. I feel shame, I feel hopeless, my heart hurts when I see the pain in my sons eyes, and I feel worry. But despite all those intense feelings, I have also felt the presence of the Lord and the strength to overcome. I don't feel him answering my prayers immediately and I feel left alone to fight for myself at times, but I know he is working on my behalf. I'm learning that in the moments of deep despair and sorrow is usually when he is working most. So although I cannot see, I must still have faith. And even despite the challenges, I would do it all over again if it meant little Elijah is my son.
I have to give a shout out to @dockatot
for being the only thing we can sometimes set him in... portable and flexible for the raised crib, packnplay, and couch.