I'm Nicole from #Germany
and I'm 22 years old. My #followers
knows me as a #selfmade #portrait #artist
and little #nerd.
I've drawn in every minute in my free time and it was my #passion
- it IS my passion.
But there's a big #secret
of mine. I have #depressions
since I was 14 years old. In the last 8 years I had downs and heighs, but more downs than heights. (Hope you can understand what I mean, my English isn't perfect) 🙈
I had heavy panic attacks, every evening before I went to bed. The attacks were so heavy, I sat wordless on the ground in my sleeping room and stare on the wall. 10 minutes, 20 minutes, on hour and more. I couldn't say anything, the thoughts in my head were so loud, so dark and without hope. I felt incredible sad, I felt empty and lonly. No one could heal my wounds. No Doctor, no psychatric centre and no time in the world. I hated this world, the people and on the most I hated myself. I hated me for who, and what I am. I felt small and wrong in this world. I couldn't watch in the mirror without hate. I found I looked terrible, sick and not like a #beautiful
was dark, only black and grey. I wished I'm dead. I wanted to die. Every minute in the last 8 years, this thought was in my mind.
I wanted to give up. My #life
doesn't made sense. So I gave me a last #chance:
I wanted to live my biggest #dream
- going on a world trip
Now I'm a world #traveler.
I gave up my apartment, my job and the life I had. I would like to have a only last chance before I can give up. I don't know if it makes sense, but If you have nothing to lose, what would you do?
It's absolutely not easy and in weak moments I think I'm not strong enough, but I have so many #dreams
and a small spark of #hope
that I will one day have a #happy
life. I want to look in the mirror, and I want to say, "You look good, I like you, you're okay as you are." It is still a very hard way with lots of stones, and at the moment I am down again, but I will try it. The world is superficial, photoshop and fake #smiles.
But everyone has problems. #Nobody
is perfect. Accept who you are. Try it. I know it is fucking hard, but the only way you can be #happy.