slowly i come to address the detached feelings i have for my own memories. so much of my life nowadays i see it through a glass lens, not with my actual eyes. my world was changed by the past 12 months, but i didn't feel the change until i went through my camera roll today. everything seems like a dream to me, did i really do all these things? getting recognized by my biggest inspiration, becoming part of this community, going to vidcon, these things are too good to be true. not to mention the bad memories, the hard ones, they were not even recorded in any form. but i can't help but feel horrible for leaving everyone, after the speculations and excuses i've assigned. but one thing i know is that my life wasn't planned to be like this just a year ago. just a year ago, life was confusing with less answers, but turns out these answers were unexpected and i can't say they are exactly the right ones.
i experienced so much last year but yet i'm sitting here wanting everything to be fake, hoping the sky outside is just a setup so i don't have to keep my head up and go on anymore.
moving means leaving people behind. that's it. that's the one cruel definition i need to face. and as i delete almost 1000 photos today from my very well curated camera roll, i feel like i'm deleting my past away. and for the first time ever it's not a good feeling. what's the point of deleting my past, when i've been distant from these memories already?