⚠️Long Post Ahead ⚠️ In nearly 3 months I still haven't changed this picture from my profile. It's still my background on my phone and iPad. You'd think it would hurt looking at this picture every day, and in a way it does. But it's also a reminder of a moment, albeit fleeting, when I was happy, at peace, and full of hope. I finally had the piece I had been missing for 7 long years. I finally felt whole. Complete. In this brief moment, forever captured and frozen in time, my womb was no longer empty. I was a mother: filled with all the life-changing possibilities the weight and magnitude that such a privilege entails. I had finally given my husband the best gift imaginable and made him a father. We were parents. For a moment. But then we blinked and it was over, as quickly as it had begun.
There is not a day that goes by in which I don't think of this little one and who and what he/she could have been. I would be 3 months pregnant now. This is our first picture as a family of 3. The loss doesn't change that; for what it was, it will remain. Words cannot express how much my heart continues hurting. 💔
But I get up and put one foot in front of the other every day. I go to work and put my own grief aside to help others in crisis and in pain. I keep moving forward. We keep living our lives. There are moments of joy and laughter in which things appear completely normal and you would never know that anything is wrong, and then there is sadness and tears.
In exactly one month from today, we will bring another one of our precious snow babies "home" in my womb. The emptiness I feel now, will once again be replaced with hope and possibility. I wish I could lie and say that the feelings will be exactly the same, but they won't be because WE are not the same. It is an excitement now tainted by fear, uncertainty, and the shadow of sadness. But I have to believe that our forever baby is still waiting for us. 🙏🏻 #infertility #ttc #pcos #ivf #fet #embryotransfer #frozenembryotransfer #fetfail #fet2 #january2018 #thisiswhatinfertilitylookslike #thisisthefaceofinfertility #weare1in8