(1/2) Today marks 90 days since I started calorie and macro counting again. I'll admit, I was scared to do it again since it played a huge part in my past eating disorder. Becoming obsessive about what foods you're "allowed" to eat and believing only certain foods are okay (orthorexia) is an easier trap to fall into than one would think, especially if results are apparent. Body dysmorphia goes hand in hand with a lot of eating disorders (my previous one included), and I've battled that recently (mommy body), but my daily affirmations and Rick's constant assurances have really helped me.
I'm proud to say that these 90 days have been successful, with no inkling toward relapse. I think that there are a few reasons for this; the most obvious being breastfeeding. During my years-long battle with disordered eating, I challenged myself to eat as few calories as possible to lose weight or stay thin but enough calories to not jeopardize my athletic performance. This time, however, I have to maintain enough calories to not only stay sane and be healthy, but also enough to produce and keep up an adequate milk supply to feed Oliver. The health of my son, and the financial burden it alleviates off of our family (so we don't have to buy formula), keeps me in check.
The second and biggest reason is that I'm in a far better and healthier mental and emotional place now than I was then. Before, I was criticized, ostracized, beaten down, unsupported, trapped, angry, depressed, and desperately trying to hold my head above the black water of the relationship and life that was slowly killing me. Counting calories became an obsession because it was something I could control, as most eating disorders are. In a world in which you're spinning, you'll grab any static object that you can, even if it only gives the illusion of steadying you.
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