“i. i slept with someone else and it wasn’t messy like everything with you was but he didn’t even look at me, he barely even touched me, and i thought this was supposed to make me feel better but the only thing that made me feel better was the anticipation because one day later, i’m crippling under the weight of my bad decisions and
ii. the night i did it, you were on the other line trying to convince me you weren’t of worth and i was texting you paragraphs about how much i love you without saying the words and
iii. then i showed up on his doorstep with a six pack of beer and you fell asleep the minute i walked inside and me and him, we smoked weed in our underwear and it made me happy because now i’m playing your game and i’m finally winning but
iv. when it was all over, you were the first one i wanted to tell. i still feel like i’m keeping secrets from you. i still think i’m being disloyal to you. i still think i’m committing treason when i let anybody else touch me. i don’t know how to convince myself that you’re not mine anymore and you have no right to be mad at me.
v. you probably wouldn’t even care, that’s the thing. you wouldn’t stay up all night crying like i did the day after i learned you were cheating and keeping it from me. the only thing that would make you upset is thinking sex with you wasn’t as good because you’re so damn insecure but you don’t love me. and so i’m trying to convince myself not to tell you how horrible it was because i can’t be here to always raise your self-esteem when all you ever do is hurt me but i don’t want to tell you it was good and have to watch your face drop because you being upset kills me so
vi. i don’t tell you. so i feel shitty and dishonest and shady and wonder how in the world you could ever do this to me while we were dating. so i’m learning i’m never going to be that kind of person and i don’t know how to keep my mouth shut when i’m around you because you are my favorite person.”
secrets i never wanted to keep, pt. 1