When I read this paragraph, sometimes I wish that I wrote it, so that I could have this same courage when it comes to recovery. But I didn't write it. And sometimes I'm not sure how I will be able to handle this "recovery" sometimes....
Normally I take my antidepressants at 3pm everyday. Give or take an hour is usually okay if I forget.
Today I completely forgot to til it until close to midnight. By about 8-9 pm, I could tell I wasn't feeling right. But I didn't figure out until why until too late; the withdrawals were hitting me hard.
The feelings are almost impossible to explain, so if you've experienced these feelings before, please describe them to me.
I almost felt lost, inside my mind. Nothing seemed 100% real even though it was right in front of me. I was so dizzy that by the time I got home from work I couldn't barely walk a straight line. I tried to ignore it by cleaning up a bit. Didn't work. I felt like I was going to vomit; a constant severe nausea with no way to relieve it. I went to lie down with the cats on the bed and watch tv and I had even more of a "loss of reality" feeling. I literally felt like at any second my body was going to shut down and stop working.
So....I broke down and started to cry. Crying and asking myself, "am I ever going to be able to get off of these pills?!" The answer kept telling me no. I broke down again, and took half an Ativan. About an hour later....I began to feel better. And of course my confidence comes back. As soon as the meds are back in my system.
I swear, some day, I have to get off these medications. I don't want to live at the mercy of them anymore. There was a time where they may have helped me. But now it's becoming a crutch, an addiction. .
Recovery is going to be hell. And I know it's going to require, and perhaps use up all of my strength....but for me to continue on with my life, and not worry about medications and panic attacks forever.
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