12/15/17 (Art by @beeple_crap
✨) 3:51 P.M.
Mood: heavily discouraged.
Thoughts: On the note of transparency, I’m feeling pretty awful in this moment. I feel very discouraged by circumstances and the way I’ve come to be.
It started small. I couldn’t find anything cool to do to my hair that would actually look good on me. I’m currently back to my normal hair (minus the crochet locs), and my hair itself is at that weird in-between state of growing out of a pixie cut. Which means there’s hardly anything to do to it. I thought I could try to be innovative and feel better, but that fell through. Back to a beanie it is, I suppose. ✨
I also feel restless; like I’m wasting time I should be spending doing something productive. But, because I’m discouraged, I also don’t feel like doing anything. It feels like I’m just....waiting. I currently don’t like that feeling, but my negative emotions won’t let me feel like doing anything else. Currently trying to force myself to do a little @fitnessblender
workout, though. I keep stopping because I feel like crap, but I’ll see how far I can get.
I’m very disappointed in how dependent I am on other people’s opinions of what I should do in grown-up situations. I get very indecisive, and become paralyzed by the fear of what my personal choice will make me look like to others. Will I look selfish if I make this choice? Will I put myself in a bind if I make this other choice? I HAVE NO IDEA, I NEED AN ADULT. But, I mean....I’m supposed to be the adult. Fuck.
I’m so used to blaming myself for inconveniences that have nothing to do with me that I even second myself when I’ve been responsible. I was helping my sister with a little dilemma. I knew I had taken care of my hand in it, but because I didn’t want to make my sister feel bad or seem douchey, I still made it seem like I had to check myself and prove myself. I even began to wonder if I actually did something wrong when I KNEW that I hadn’t. It’s such a shame that I let myself do that to myself. Why would I actively participate in making myself look like the person who messed up just to coddle others?
Plus, I’m PMS-ing. So, that’s probably a big part of this, too.