The Holidays are usually my favorite time of year, but this year it’s a little hard. For me, some days are easier, and some days it just feels like everything hurts. Today is one of the latter. I had been avoiding putting up Christmas this year because I just wasn’t ready for the feelings that came with it. Something about the Holidays just makes it feel like someone’s holding a magnifying glass to your pain.
This is the third year in a row I’ve had to put up only two stockings. The third year in a row I’ve told myself “next Christmas we’ll have our baby”. Two due dates have come and gone and we’re still a family of two. Most days are hard, some days are harder.
This time last year I was grieving our infertility. A year of trying so so hard, doing all the right things, and having no idea why it just wasn’t happening. This year we grieve the 3 that were and never came to be.
Adoption feels like a path forward. Every day we’re one day closer to meeting our child. And there is hope in that. We’re excited, we’re grateful, we’re hopeful. But we still grieve the 3 we lost.
I love our home, our family, our lives, but damn, I could have done without the past year. Those two quiet little stockings speak volumes as they hang above the fireplace. The tree will go another year without a “baby’s first Christmas ornament”. And I’m just reminded that things are not at they should be.
There will be plenty of joy to be found this Holiday season, we have so much love in our lives and so much to be grateful for. But there’s also a lot to grieve, a lot of pain to be felt. And an empty spot above the mantle just waiting to be filled. .